I decided that since the FBI estimates 80% of women know their attackers, I would focus on the two types of men, we as women are most likely to be attacked by.
The first is the "Power- Reassurance" (The Gentlemen) rapist.
He's basically a loser with no self esteem. Brian Hoffman was a power reassurance rapist. The second most common is the "Power Assertive" Rapist. He's basically a control freak. He's a bit more scary. He derives his self eseteem from his sexual conquest and prides himself on his tough guy image. Both types are masters of self-delusion-the kind of men who believe women like to play games and that no doesn't really mean no. If you say no, typically date rapist will think you just dont want to seem easy. Pleading and crying will not work either. It certainly didn't work for me. I did my share of both pleading and crying, until I finally despaired and did nothing but stare at the wall going someplace far away within myself. So what can you do? You must be verbally forceful. Prepare yourself because you may have to be assertive with someone you know. This will make it easier for you to switch gears.
DEALING WITH THE GENTLEMAN RAPIST- This type lacks social confidence to develop real relationships with women. He can seem mild-mannered and polite. To this day, people are shocked that Brian Hoffman raped me. After all he was so mild mannered, so polite!! In fact, he was so polite, that after he raped me, he proceeed to comfort me, telling me it was okay, he was sorry, and had no idea what got into him. Pretty creepy huh! He may openly joke that you would never go out with him. He may compliment you on your looks. This type of rapist often begins making polite overtures. This is because he has chosen you in advance. If you read through my story, you will see that he had probably chosen me in advance. Your best bet is NOT to plead or cry with him. It doesnt work. Get assertive and threatening with him. Tell him, "I am gonna report you, throw you in jail, your life is going to be ruined if you continue this." Threaten him. Say it deep, nasty and threatening. Tell him you will tell everyone that he knows all about it.
DEALING WITH THE CONTROL FREAK- This guy is more much more controlling. He's a smooth talker and may brag about athletic skills, his job, or his tough guy car. He often to goes to bars and parties and is more more socially confident than the Gentlemen Rapist. Though he can be charming, deep down he has no regard for your opinions or feelings. He may try to drive you home or insist on ordering all of your drinks in the evening. He will often get you alone by saying he just needs to run in his place to pick something up. He may invite you to a party that turns out to be just two people, you and him. He is more likely to threaten you and try to intimidate you. He may tell you that you owe him or that you don't really mean "no." The trick with him is negotiating. You have to try to get him to view you as someone that he can identify with. Someone like his mother or sister. Remember, he's views you as an object, as a pawn in his power game. Try to stop the momentum long enough to engage him in some way so that he must look at you as a real person. To do that you have to TALK and TALK and TALK. Talk about yourself and try to get him to talk about himself also. Perhaps your family, your brother, your mother, your religion would be good starting points. Some rapist are a combination of both types. If one strategy doesnt work, switch to the other.
~~ SIGNS HE'S DANGEROUS~~ 1) He invades your space: A potential rapist often invades your space-visually, verbally and physically. The night Brian Hoffman raped me, I noticed he constantly stared at me the entire night. He was visually invading my space. (This is different from two lovers gazing at one another. When you are gazing at your lover, you are in fact, gazing back at him/her. It is not one sided) He may try to control the conversation or stand too close to you. This can seem like flirting, but if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him to back off.
2) He seems distracted: He may ignore your wishes by acting distracted. Trust me, his hearing is just fine. For example, You tell him youre ready to call it a night but he orders you another drink instead, and then says, "Oh, I thought you said you wanted another." Dont be fooled by this. Stick by what you said the first time. (On that note, be wary of leaving your drink alone with him or taking it from him if he went to the bar and walked back without you.)
3) He wants you alone: He can be subtle about isolating you. If youre getting bad vibes, stick with your group, and make sure you have your own ride home.
4) He wants you wasted: Alcohol and drugs are a factor in around 90% of assaults. Of course this doesn't mean that you are at fault. However, they make you vulnerable and provide an excuse for his behavior. (A pitiful excuse, but an excuse nonetheless). If he keeeps feeding you drinks, ask yourself why is so invested in getting you drunk.
~~I Never Wanted To Know This Much~~I Never Meant To Be This Self Aware~~